Dear Grama,
It's only been 5 days and I miss you so much.
I know you wouldn't be happy with how I feel, but right now I am so angry and frustrated.
I'm angry with Bethany bc she is never around.
I'm angry with Mom's inability to be involved.
I'm angry that Kay and Amy don't shower.
I'm angry that Dad took bereavement when he's always hated you.
I'm angry with the church people who come and come and come and make every one cry.
I'm angry that everyone thinks that you went to heaven and forgot about us until we join you there.
I'm angry that everyone keeps saying "she's in a better place now, she is out of pain" - you aren't some dog that was put to sleep!
I'm scared to go home and leave Grandpa but can't stay. Grandpa. He breaks my heart. He's so lost and confused. He looks for you, to show you things that touch him. To ask you a question. He is systematically shredding paperwork all over the house for something to do. He forgets what day it is and forgets to eat. Everyone thinks he's doing ok, why am I the only one who can see how lost he is? Why is my mom making this all about her? I heard my aunt tell Grandpa that it upset Mom when she saw him cry. Why does she think she has the corner market on grief?? She told me that you were HER mom, that hurt me. You were MY Grama, and you know how close we always were. You said yourself that you were closer to me, that I felt like I was your daughter. You were there through all the really tough years. Did you hang in there bc I asked you to? We always talked about you being immortal if you lived until I was married. You knew I didn't want to be left alone. Did you wait to go until I got married?
Did you know I was coming to see you in 2 days? I feel like I didn't get a chance to say good bye. You knew though, didn't you? The way you hugged me last time. I was only there for 3 days, but you knew you were never going to see me again. I wish I knew, I would've paid more attention. I would've called more, written more, visited more. I wish you hadn't have moved to VA. It made it hard to help you.. I'm so glad that I got to tell you about our house. Now I just hope we actually get it. You sounded so bad the last time I talked to you. You only had 3 days left. I wish I could've squeezed a few more minutes out of you. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I have to find the last email you sent me. And your letters. I can't believe I'll never get another note or birthday card from you. Why did I think that they were an unlimited supply?
I was so looking forward to sending you pictures of our new house. To tell you when I finally get pregnant. You aren't ever going to meet Liam. I hope Amelia remembers you. She is the same age as I was when Great Grandma died and I don't remember much of her. I hope Amelia remembers more of you. You were a truly special person. I want so much to make you proud of me.
We have to share this hotel room and we have no privacy at all. I'm trying to do what needs to be done and just save it up for when I get home but all I want is my bed and my husband so I can have a nice long cry. I can't even begin to imagine what Grandpa is going through. 59 years.
I miss you Grama
