Reminders

Dear Grama,

A thousand things every day remind me of you.

Starting & cleaning off my car before work and I can hear you telling me to put on a coat.

Scolding me for using my phone while driving and when I tailgate.

When I argue with Tom.

When I shop. I see your favorite soups and remember how you always tried to feed me carrots because you thought I liked them.

When I drink coffee. You always made decaf but you kept flavored creamers just for me.

When I get change. You and Grandpa let us raid your buckets when we were little.

When I cook. So many meals made together.

I miss your slippers. I miss how you loop your purse through the communion holder at church to hold it up. I miss how the family grapevine centralized around you. I miss you.

I want to tell you about each step with the house. I want you praying for us. We have hit another snag and still don't know when we are closing. You would know what to do.

Love,

Jessica

Shift Bids

Grama,

He didn't go to days. Now I have to work ALL the holidays next year.

Changes

Dear Grama,

Last night I had another melt down. I was going along fine all day when I heard "The First Noel" on tv and remembered how you taught me that song when I was really little . All of the sudden I'm crying hysterically and I can't even tell Tom why. I have all these memories from when we were little. We never missed a Christmas with you.

This is going to be a rough week. If everything goes through as planned, we will be closing on our house this Friday and then moving. Between money and work and moving and Christmas, things are getting kind of tense around here. I wish you were here to ask how to transition smoothly - how to keep my husband happy. To help me get my priorities straight.

I texted Janessa this morning because I feel like everyone has forgotten you and moved on. She says they all remember, life is just going on. I know you would be happy with that, I just feel lost still.

Shift bids are tomorrow. I have heard rumors that Kevin might go to days, but I feel like that might be too good to be true. Grandpa said he would be praying for me and I know you would be too. You know how rough this past year has been, I DO NOT want another year like that. I guess I will find out for sure tomorrow. I told Janessa that once we find out, I will be able to plan her home coming in May better.

I miss Janessa too. With you and her gone, Ann-Marie working a different shift, and Jekka constantly sick I feel like I have no friends left. I don't want to be sad by myself anymore. I need to remember the blessings and good things going on, but right now it is so hard. I think a big part of my "funk" right now is that I am just really scared about getting a call tomorrow telling us that FHA backed out and that we still need to find an apartment to move. That TERRIFIES me!

Well enough of a pity party, I gotta get ready for our work party tomorrow.

I love you,

Jessica

Thanksgiving

Dear Grama,

Happy Thanksgiving

Love,

Jessica

Mac & Cheese

Dear Grama,

Last night I made mac and cheese, the kind from your recipe. I thought about you the whole time. I like to think that things like recipes tie each generation together. It links me to you in a way.

Tom and I have started trying to have a baby, not real seriously but enough that I've gone to the DR and they've put me on medication. I want a girl. Its another link to you. I know I will cry if I ever get pregnant though, just bc I won't be able to go through it with you.

Today I found out that Jekka might have cancer. It seems like one thing after another with her. And to think that before her text, I was wondering if it was possible for so much to go so right in our lives, if we were breaking some cosmic law by being so happy. Apparently we are. Though I wonder if the fact I'm writing again signifies some hidden unrest. I only write when I'm unhappy.

Tom has a job interview and tour tomorrow with a plant foreman. If the foreman likes him, they will call him back for the next step in hiring. We are hoping he gets it. If he is hired, we will be saving over $30 a week in gas costs plus getting a raise. If all goes well, we will pay off his car in the spring and be well on the way out of debt (except for our mortgage).

I called Grandpa the other day, he's doing ok but I'm worried about him. He misses you so much. We all do. Its hard with Janessa being gone too. Janessa made me cry yesterday because she said she missed me so much.

Well I should probably get back to work,

Love you so much,

Jessica

Reality

Dear Grama,

Last night I had a full blown melt down on Tom. I'll spare you the details, but let it suffice to say that I was totally out of control. This morning all I could think of was how things seem to have spun out of control since you've been gone. I rely on you so much for advice and now I feel lost. I can't do this wife thing without your guidance. I was relying on the fact you'd be around longer. How did you last 59 yrs in your marriage?

Fresh and Raw ......

Dear Grama,

It's only been 5 days and I miss you so much.

I know you wouldn't be happy with how I feel, but right now I am so angry and frustrated.
I'm angry with Bethany bc she is never around.
I'm angry with Mom's inability to be involved.
I'm angry that Kay and Amy don't shower.
I'm angry that Dad took bereavement when he's always hated you.
I'm angry with the church people who come and come and come and make every one cry.
I'm angry that everyone thinks that you went to heaven and forgot about us until we join you there.
I'm angry that everyone keeps saying "she's in a better place now, she is out of pain" - you aren't some dog that was put to sleep!

I'm scared to go home and leave Grandpa but can't stay. Grandpa. He breaks my heart. He's so lost and confused. He looks for you, to show you things that touch him. To ask you a question. He is systematically shredding paperwork all over the house for something to do. He forgets what day it is and forgets to eat. Everyone thinks he's doing ok, why am I the only one who can see how lost he is? Why is my mom making this all about her? I heard my aunt tell Grandpa that it upset Mom when she saw him cry. Why does she think she has the corner market on grief?? She told me that you were HER mom, that hurt me. You were MY Grama, and you know how close we always were. You said yourself that you were closer to me, that I felt like I was your daughter. You were there through all the really tough years. Did you hang in there bc I asked you to? We always talked about you being immortal if you lived until I was married. You knew I didn't want to be left alone. Did you wait to go until I got married?

Did you know I was coming to see you in 2 days? I feel like I didn't get a chance to say good bye. You knew though, didn't you? The way you hugged me last time. I was only there for 3 days, but you knew you were never going to see me again. I wish I knew, I would've paid more attention. I would've called more, written more, visited more. I wish you hadn't have moved to VA. It made it hard to help you.. I'm so glad that I got to tell you about our house. Now I just hope we actually get it. You sounded so bad the last time I talked to you. You only had 3 days left. I wish I could've squeezed a few more minutes out of you. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I have to find the last email you sent me. And your letters. I can't believe I'll never get another note or birthday card from you. Why did I think that they were an unlimited supply?

I was so looking forward to sending you pictures of our new house. To tell you when I finally get pregnant. You aren't ever going to meet Liam. I hope Amelia remembers you. She is the same age as I was when Great Grandma died and I don't remember much of her. I hope Amelia remembers more of you. You were a truly special person. I want so much to make you proud of me.

We have to share this hotel room and we have no privacy at all. I'm trying to do what needs to be done and just save it up for when I get home but all I want is my bed and my husband so I can have a nice long cry. I can't even begin to imagine what Grandpa is going through. 59 years.

I miss you Grama